New Pope or Pope Classic?

Dang it, that was my joke! About New Pope? And Diet Pope with Lime? Well, my friend Justin's joke, too, really. And then I watched South Park. Where Jimmy told almost the same damn joke. Dammit!

Well, I'm back from my little jaunt into Catholic-land! My niece had her first communion. For those who don't know, this is a rite that all good little Catholic children go through when they're around eight. They go to Sunday school and learn things called "catechisms," which are little question-and-answer booklets that teach you why you're Catholic and what a Pope is and how to perform exorcisms. Okay, you might not be Catholic. In that case, it tells you where in Hell you're going. There are different sections, depending on your EQ (Evil Quotient.)

Christians are 33% of the world's population. Roman Catholics are only about 28% of the population of the U.S. So you might not know! Because Catholicism is kinda weird! There was one little girl at the ceremony who thought they were drinking ACTUAL blood. She's only 11, and not being raised Catholic. So, she thought it was like Satanists or something. She got pretty upset. Hee! But still.

Okay, so here's a short, bullet-point list of the main items of interest about going to a communion ceremony. (Your interest and mileage may vary.)

1. Attrition of Standing Up and Sitting Down
At Catholic Masses and ceremonies, everybody is directed to stand up and then sit down about six thousand times. Some of these times, you're standing up for quite a while. That's because Catholics are big on suffering. The first time we were told to stand up, everybody stood. The next time, 97% or so. Then, 96... 95... Even at the end, the vast majority of people were still doing it. It happened, maybe, eight times.

2. Bad Music
The music has to be, you know, bland. Because it's church. Can't be too lively. Worst part is that the priest has to sing, and real loud, to "lead" the people. Some people shouldn't really BE singing loud in public, even if it IS their job. And boy. That is some kinda crap music. If I were Catholic? I'd have to quit just because of that. But, as I said, Catholics? Big on suffering.

3. Shaking Hands
From my wasted youth in Catholic church I vaguely remembered, hey, don't people start shaking everybody's hands, sorta near the end, saying "Peace be with you"? And something in the priest's speech started making me uncomfortable... They were about to do it! I don't want to shake these people's hands. I don't know where they've been. Except the woman in front of me... Here hand was scratching her butt a moment ago. Anyway, I have a very high EQ. I played asleep. Heck, I was really, really tired anyway.

4. Poo Smells
This goes along with number three. It's another good reason not to shake these people's hands. SOMEONE there either had an accident, or they stepped in an accident, or, or I don't KNOW what happened, but there was a distinct odor of butt. I always get the row with the bad smells. Heh, someone was sitting in their own "pew."

5. Time Compression
Now, I don't know how this was managed, but time completely stopped several times. I looked up: 1:20. I waited and waited and pretended to listen, blah blah sheep, lamb of God, peace and shepherd and gesundheit. I looked up again: 1:20! STILL! Still 1:20! Somewhere, I am STILL sitting there listening!

But, other than everything about it, it was very enjoyable. I don't know. I don't really see what people get out of this. The kids don't enjoy it... The parents do it for the kids... The church uses it to glue people in tighter, that's all.

Or, possibly, I just suck. Which I'm always willing to admit! But I'm leaning towards them being the ones that suck. I never made THEM sit through poo smells! Okay, that makes no sense. What do you want, I'm still tired from the standing up and the sitting down and the listening and... Okay, well, yeah, it was almost a week ago... What's your point? Hey, what was MY point, again?

I like Cherry Pope. It's retro!