Your Butt's Extra Airline Seat Wants This Video

Karl Legerfeld, famous fashion designer, has dropped 92 pounds, and he's come out with the book that all celebrities are required to produce in such a circumstance. On the cover, he looks like a Q-Tip. Just a stick with a blob of white fluff at the top. A fashionable Q-Tip, of course.

Karl Lagerfeld discourages readers from exercising. Karl Lagerfeld's physician informs us that "exercise runs the risk of making you hungry." Oh, Karl Lagerfeld! Don't you know that for people losing weight, it's a good idea to exercise? Because otherwise, the only weight comes right from your body's breaking down the tissue of your heart walls, or other bits you'd probably like to keep. I hope Karl Lagerfeld's heart walls are okay. I mean, he might eventually need his heart for something. I mean, he might.

In the interests of not turning into pudding, (I mean, not turning MORE into pudding) I try to sometimes get some exercise. And I realized that my one workout video sucks complete butt. It's Denise Austin. She might otherwise be a lovely person, but the music on this video will make you want to stop exercising, so as to purposely bring death closer. Whoever did this music must be so white, they're transparent.

So, since I had a bookstore gift card, I researched fancy new workout videos. And I found one that seemed really fun and good for beginners. I read online reviews! (No, really! Aren't I thorough?) The video is Madonna (no relation) Grime's Dance Fitness for Beginners, Urban Street Heat. With a name that long, it has to be worthwhile, right?

Well, the video sure is a good workout. The music is lively and not horrible; the steps are fun and diverse. But man! I can't follow the intricate routines yet to save my life. If you learn the routines, it would probably be a lot of fun to use them on an actual dance floor. But Madonna and her dance team don't spend any time at all teaching how to do the moves before they link them up with eight or nine other ones.

Seriously. Trying to do this routine, I actually found myself getting whiter and whiter, just as a reaction to my complete inability to follow along. I'm now as transparent as whoever did the Denise Austin music!

But then again, I'm even inept when it comes to doing the Electric Slide. Dammit! Now I've got that Electric Slide music stuck in my head. Man, I'm so white. Damn you, Electric Slide! And you, Denise Austin's music director!

And you, Karl Lagerfeld's physician!