The Wonderfullest Rag

Always.com

A new commercial for Always pads has a young woman's voice softly intoning: "A soft, comfy topsheet on every Always pad? Mmmm.... Dreamy." Then the little pad has its topsheet folded back as if it were a bedsheet.

WHAT?!? WTF?!?!??

I can't imagine WHY the people at Procter & Gamble think that this makes a good advertisement. Jeez louise! It's just a sanitary napkin! There's nothing you could make it out of that would make it that wonderful.

This commercial is the winner of the current crop of the stupidest, most aggravating TV ads. What could this turn into? "Gee, the hemorroid cream I put on my painful, blistered hiney is so silky and nice-smelling... Mmmm."

I predict in the future that sanitary napkins will be printed with pictures of landscape scenery. And maybe it will play a little tune when you remove it.

THEN we'll finally be happy.

Is... Julie Chen... Defective? Houseguests.... Your... Answers?

Julie Chen - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

It seems unlikely, but I believe Julie Chen's "reporting" is actually getting worse. On Big Brother, it takes upwards of ten minutes now for her to spit out an entire twelve-word sentence, mostly due to the long, "dramatic" pauses. Partly it's due to the way she forgets the end of the sentence she's on before she gets to the middle. This might be caused by a glitch in her programming, or possibly a loose cable in her casing.

Most people usually improve in their professions as they mature and grow and get plastic surgery to make themselves look less ethnic. I know I did!

But somehow, Julie is getting more wooden and robot-like as time progresses. Maybe she's distracted by the stiffness from the Botoxing of her forehead, and she forgets how to speak naturally.

She was never exactly very bright. The Media Research Center, a conservative website and self-proclaimed "America's Media Watchdog," reports on the television news shows that display the biggest batches of stupid. Here's a lovely example of our Miss Chen in action in 2001:

The Early Show’s Julie Chen wondered if businesses were really allowed to set their own prices. "I’m getting less chips [but] paying the same amount of money," she asked, "Is that legal for them to do this?"

No, Julie. It's not legal. Why would a business be allowed to decide on its own how much to offer a product for sale? This isn't some crazy godless capitalism!

Okay, so, to recap: Julie Chen is a robot, Julie Chen is stupid, Julie Chen had plastic surgery, the plastic surgeon did a great job and she's lovely, I hate Julie Chen, and... dramatic... pauses... are... for people without any actual journalistic ability. Yep, that covers it.