Backfiring in a Big Way

Man buys hundreds of papers, but secret gets out

The Epic Adventures of Ceciliantas

Guy gets arrested. Guy's picture makes the front page of the local newspaper. Embarrassed, he buys every copy he can find, so people won't see it. Five or six hundred copies.

And then... the newspaper does another print run, of course... to meet the sudden demand.

And then... the story of his desperation to hide his arrest spreads wildly across the land, via the magic of the Internets! You're reading it right now, because technology is wonderful.

I can't say it's NEVER a good idea to try to cover up misdeeds. I'm sure it's working right now, for lots of wrongdoers we don't know about. (*cough* dubya *cough*.) But sometimes it's better just not to comment.

Consider the sad case of Ceciliantas. (If you haven't heard of him, that's good... He's just some Everquest player, and there's no reason you should have. Everquest is an online role-playing game. People play for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours.)

The guy develops a "relationship" online, through the game, with a girl. (No, really, it actually was a girl.) So they're boyfriend and girlfriend -- but only in the game. In real life, they were both free to develop actual relationships with other human people. Ha ha ha! No, you know what I mean. They could... if they weren't big Everquest geeks. And if they actually KNEW other people.

Anyway, the bozo hits on this girl in the game who's actually a guy (don't ask) who's in a group the bozo has been harassing. (He's been harassing them because of his being such a bozo... he just can't help himself.) The girl-guy is vastly amused, conspires with the other members of the group to set him up, and they trap him "cheating" on his girlfriend.

Basically, the girl and Cecel... Celic... the bozo go into his room in a virtual inn in the game, and they kneel together atop the bed. (I don't think you can lie down in the game. Not that I'd know.) Then, he proceeds to babble on and on and on, spinning this involved little fantasy, while she says: nothing. Not a damn thing, really. Oblivious, happy and satisfied three minutes later, he thanks her and they leave.

The group busts him out in a message board they all frequent. And that would have been the end of it. But you already KNEW the guy is a bozo. He didn't just leave it alone... He had a fit. He denied it up and down. To his chagrin, screen shots started appearing... The more he denied it, the more people talked about it, mocked him, and spread the story. Now, his girlfriend has broken up with him, and he can't find any friends to play with online.

And, worst of all, the people in those dratted blogs just won't quit making fun of him. Damn them!

The Mapping of a Cat's Brain

The Mapping of a Cat's Brain

Here is a diagram of the feline brain. They've finally located the short circuit that "makes a purring kitty an arm-shredding maniac in two seconds." This is an error on the diagrammer's part. It's actually 0.003 seconds.

They also seem to have left out that huge section of the brain that causes the fascination with whatever is on the other side of closed doors. Even if the cat has just COME from wherever the door leads to, he can't help the overpowering curiosity that there might be Something Going On over there.

Insects as Food

Chocolate Chirpie Chip Cookies
So, bossy Jolanda on Survivor ate a grasshopper. Sadly for her, the extra bug-protein didn't help. The other castaways hated her anyway. (Me too, how about that!)

But that reminded me of a recipe Orkin published once, a long time ago. Yes, that Orkin. The bug guys. And yes... it's a bug recipe! Grasshopper Chocolate Chip Cookies. Mmmm, extra crunchy.

The true, best purpose for such a recipe to exist, of course, is revenge. Serve it cold, serve it hot, whatever. Just serve it up, for your coworkers who filch food out of the common fridge. If you have boogery people like this at your work, or roommates, schoolmates, whatever, bake up a nice batch of bug cookies, or "Banana Worm Bread," or "Corn Borer Cornbread Muffins." Or choose from any of the other fine revolting recipes provided thoughtfully by the Iowa State Entomology Department's website. I couldn't find the original Orkin website. But these are even more horrifying.

Leave the very-special baked goods in the fridge, sit back, and wait until they're gone. Then casually mention you can't find your bread made with worms, or whatever it is you've chosen.

But if the thief just shrugs and burps, it's probably best to forget the whole thing. Chances are, someone who wouldn't be grossed out by finding that they've just eaten an infested snack probably has greater gifts of being revolting than you.

Are You Deaf? I'm Meowing Here

Just got back to town... I was away on babysitting. Babysitting for four kids, the youngest with ADHD, is not, okay, well, it IS a barrel of laughs, but also it's a barrel of oh-my-cranium-has-a-big-hole-now-where-my-brain-sploded-out. Brain! Sploded!

But I'm home, yay. And I'm doing this and that, I run to my room to pet up the cats, and then I watch TV for a bit in the living room. I'm worn out, and I have to watch Kiefer save the TerrorTeen. Go, Kiefer! Next week, Kiefer gets to torture his girlfriend's ex! How many people's fantasies would THAT fulfill? (Back story of my house: the cats can't be in this section of the house due to Severe Cat Antipathy between my cats and my brother's cat, Princess Snootypants.)

So I finally get my act together enough to shut off the TV and head to my room for the evening. But, my brother wants to chat for a bit. He hasn't seen me in days, and he's had nobody to discuss his EverQuest ordeals with.

Not that I, uh, care about EverQuest. Because: how can you? But you know, my brother is into it. And so he's telling me about the dragon they were after, and suddenly I'm being paged. The cat has been: Neglected, Ignored, Insufficiently Attended, and I am in Big Trouble, and it is About Time I Took Care of More Important Things. MEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWWWW. (There DOES seem to be a lot that can be fit into that one little word, doesn't there?) But, oddly enough, though my brother can hear this perfectly well, he continues telling me about the dragon. I couldn't tell you the first thing about what he might have said, though. It was all drowned out for me by the insistent, pitiful caterwauling.

I don't think my cat cares much about EverQuest. I shouldn't oughta complain in this bloggery about this... but please refer to the start of this post. Brain! Sploded! Mental Capacity: Absent!

MMMEEEEEEOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW.